Governor Ige Responds to Trump Tweet: ‘Brah No Be Talking Heavy’

HONOLULU — Hawaii Governor David Ige responded to a deleted tweet by President Donald Trump that went viral yesterday online.

The governor really let his pidgin language shine throughout his tweet bringing up an apparent previous encounter with Trump at a Big Island nightclub, “I not da one who had to call da cops
when I was choking you out!”.

Ige’s tweet, like President Trump’s tweet was also deleted. Here is the screenshot of Ige’s response.

When we reached out to the governor’s office, the phone lines were totally busy for some reason.

Read President Trump’s deleted tweet to Ige here: https://themassivemango.com/2019/07/22/trump-calls-out-hawaii-governor-we-can-meet-up/

Check in daily for the best fake news from Hawaii only from The Massive Mango.

Ex USC Coach To Be Hired By McKinley Tigers

HONOLULU, OAHU, HI — McKinley High School insiders say former disgraced University of Southern California coach, Steve Sarkisian, will be hired as their new junior varsity and varsity football team’s head coach for the coming 2016 season.

“We are looking forward to an amazing turnaround season with this experienced and proven winner,” said Hope Weakenwin, who is head of the Tigers Moms For A Better Ball Club Association. “We have interviewed a few candidates and (Sarkisian) was our best pick.”

With the latest hiring of ex University of Hawaii head coach June Jones to Kapolei last week, this comes as an interesting situation in Hawaii high school sports.

“We figured if they can do it, we can do it”, said a source close to the administration. “Plus all he wanted as compensation was two cases of beer and a bottle of Jack Daniels per week, what a great deal!”

In 2015, Sarkisian was at the center of a scandal involving use of alcohol and being intoxicated while coaching. He had also been in an incident where he mixed alcohol with medication before a booster event and made a drunken and profanity-laced speech at the event.

Sarkisian assures us that, “Those days are definitely behind me and I’m ready to get this program in tip top form for the upcoming season.”

The Tigers forfeited their last two games last season due to a dwindling roster, going winless and averaging just 2 points on offense and giving up 45 points per game on defense.

McKinley will be participating in the OIA’s Division II for the 2016 and 2017 football seasons.

The Obamas Drink And Cruise Up At Tantalus Lookout

HONOLULU, HAWAII — The President and first lady were seen Tuesday night having drinks and playing loud music through their SUV up at a popular lookout point in Honolulu.

Witnesses say they had a large entourage up at Tantalus Lookout dancing and partying like they were in college. “President Obama and his wife were acting like they were in a club or something”, said Paul Smiyabru, a resident of Tantalus Drive, he continued “we even seen him throwing up what appeared to be gang signs and yelling out ‘WESTSIDE’ at the top of his lungs.”

Another witness, who wanted to remain anonymous said the president was playing 50 Cent’s ‘In Da Club’ on repeat for an entire hour before letting Michelle control the music. “Michele played more old school music which was cool with us” said another resident.

Police were called at around 11PM responding to a disturbing the peace complaint. HPD say when they arrived at the lookout the Obamas were already gone, and left behind four empty Old English 800 bottles. Police say they are not going to pursue this matter any further because he is the quote: “Top dawg in our country and no one got hurt”.

The Obamas are here in Hawaii for their annual Christmas vacation.

Yellow Section Of Aloha Stadium To Be Removed

HALAWA, OAHU, HAWAII — The state and UH say they will eliminate the entire yellow sections of the Aloha Stadium starting January 2016.

The decision comes after record low attendance during the 2015 football season.

“It was a really sad sight to see the stadium so empty this year”, says Don Kendonets, VP of public relations. He continued, “We had an emergency meeting and came up with the only feasible solution.”

That solution according to Kendonets, is to have the top level seating areas removed during the off season, to make the stadium look more populated during UH football games.

“I think that’s an awesome idea” said Ikaika Gouveia of Ewa Beach, “At least now on TV going look like get choke people!” Juan Mobere of Kaneohe disagrees by adding, “Really? How da heck they gonna do that?”

Officials say they are going with demolition specialists to start the tedious work of removing the section by the start of the 2016 football season.

The work will eliminate 22,000 seats and the need to keep seats oiled and maintained, saving the state 6.2 Million dollars for the coming year.

Kendonets concludes by saying, “This is going to be awesome for new coach Nick Rolovich, to have his team play in front of a packed house.”

Hawaii Truck Drivers Score Lowest In Reading

KALAELOA, OAHU, HAWAII — Test results are out today revealing that truck drivers in Hawaii scored the absolute lowest in mandatory reading exams handed out by the state earlier this year.

“Out of all occupations tested, truck drivers accounted for sixty-six percent of all F grades” said Reed Daly of the Department of Adult Education, “Many of (truck drivers) had a very hard time with words like ‘the’, ‘I’ and ‘a’.”

“It was pretty hilarious because these are the very people that need to have sharp reading skills on the highways and freeways”, said head examiner Joe King, “being they would have to be able to read signs, warnings and more!”

Officials said they will be re-tested at a later date as soon as they can figure out a day where truck drivers will be the only people allowed on roads during test times.

King concluded by saying, “Safety is our primary concern on the day of their re-tests.”

Photo credit: James Abella Tio

North Shore Shrimp Trucks To Sue Customers Who Tagged Their Vehicles

HALE’IWA, OAHU, HAWAII — Shrimp truck owners voted unanimously to press charges and sue past and present customers who have tagged/wrote on their vehicles with permanent markers, citing, “at first it was somewhat of a novelty thing to do, but now it’s just getting down right out of hand” said one business owner who wanted to remain anonymous.

“The graffiti and writing is not only an eyesore, but it could also be a reason we are seeing a decline in customers” he continued, “We are going forward with suing these people so we can make up for losses.”

The business group said they have over 1 million names written on their trucks and are hiring forensic scientists to track down said vandals.

“It’s gonna cost us a few hundred thousand dollars, but the settlements will be very lucrative” said Aina Buhleedis, owner of Aina’s Scrimp and Cereal Truck. She also added, “We are happy to announce that we have also teamed up with the nation’s top handwriting analysts.”

The owners suggest that if you have written on their trucks in the past, that you have a 30 day grace period from today to scrub and/or erase your name(s) or you can send them a check or money order for $5.45 if you are in Hawaii, or $7.25 if you are out of state.

Coconut Fight Erupts In Westside Traffic; 2 Injured

NĀNĀKULI, OAHU, HAWAII — Road rage has taken an unusual tone on the west side Wednesday morning when an all out coconut fight took place during the morning commute.

Traffic was at a stand still in the town bound direction on Farrington Highway fronting Sack N Save when witnesses say a man in a white flatbed truck started lobbing unhusked coconuts at unsuspecting vehicles.

“I just saw this old dude get out of his truck, reach in the back and start launching coconuts at all the cars”, said Jansen Kahalewai, who was a few cars behind the irate driver. “Bruddah was losing it” he continued, “Another Bruddah hopped out of his car and started throwing the coconuts back at him, was kind of like they was playing dodgeball but only they were using coconuts instead of red rubber balls.”

Authorities say 2 people were injured during the melee and were treated at the scene.

Police arrested 44 year old Kona P. Soa of Mākaha on two counts of assault and criminal property damage.

Traffic in the area has been linked to temper tantrums, stress and beatdowns handed out by residents of the Wai’anae Coast for years.

Photo credit: Pablo Sato

Ronda Rousey To Study Private Boxing In Hawaii

RIVERSIDE, CALIFORNIA — Mixed martial artist Ronda Rousey has announced she will commit seventy percent of her training time to boxing.

The depressed starlet said to a close source, “I need to get my stand up game together.” She continued, “And the best place to do it is in Hawaii.”

The source did not reveal what boxing club or MMA association she will train with, but an insider close to the fighter’s handlers say they are thinking about training with a “reputable and world renowned” boxing club located in West Oahu.

This decision is coming off of a knockout loss to Holly Holm in UFC 193 on Nov. 14.

“I couldn’t feel my face after (Holm) caught me with a straight right… the whole fight all I could think about is ‘Why haven’t I worked harder on my knuckle game?’ I can’t wait to get to Hawaii and learn from the natives. I mean, that’s all they know… straight up banging!”

The source also disclosed that Rousey is even offering to “double-leg” the Governor while she’s there in the islands.

Feral Chickens To Be Used For Cockfighting Fundraisers

ANAHOLA, KAUA’I, HI — County officials on Kaua’i island have voted 30 – 0 on a measure to gather up feral chickens to be used in cockfighting fundraisers.

“We have finally came up with a solution to our island’s pesky feral chicken problem” said Wren Bredge of Problem Solvers of Kaua’i (P.B.K.). “We’ve been battling with the county for the past seven years to come up with ways to alleviate the island’s on going chicken infestation, and this seems to be the best way to get the ball rolling.”

Kaua’i has been dealing with an ongoing feral chicken problem ever since 1992 when Hurricane ‘Iniki came through and destroyed many chicken farms thus setting free multitudes of captive fowl.

“It was amazing that (the chickens) would actually come up to us and not even show fear” said Kylee Kanae of Kapa’a. “But now it’s just too crazy, they are even attacking people now. One of them even sent my brother to the hospital with scars all over his shins!”

The idea to use feral chickens for cockfighting fundraisers were spearheaded by Jayson Asuncion, an expert knife tie-er in several of Hawaii’s cockfighting derbies. Asuncion says “by killing off these animals in the ring, we are not only getting rid of the problem but are also going to be able to raise funds for the less fortunate.” He continues,”The losing birds would also be used to feed the hungry, it’s a win, win, win situation”.

Cockfighting fundraisers will go in effect next April 2016.